I missed Easter

I love Easter, I really do. As a Christian and a Mormon, this is one my favorite holidays, so you can understand why I was so frustrated that I missed it. I personally and spiritually missed it. Now I don't mean that I wasn't here, that I didn't make the Saturday night shopping trip with my husband to fill the baskets of our children with adorable pastel colored treats. In fact, I spent at least 20 minutes just looking for the "right" candy, meaning the candy that I would most love, and I was sure they would love it too! I really felt like a diligent parent when the candy-coated cadbury chocolate eggs could not be found on the candy aisle so I found someone to help me solve the problem. My husband wasn't even surprised, annoyed yes, but not shocked that I would go to such lengths to find my favorite Easter candy. Finaly after at least 10 minutes, the person stocking the shelf, pulled a box from behind and I was sure I heard choirs of angels sing. I felt so proud to know that the other people on the candy aisle, two to be exact, also seemed to be happy that we had found the holy grail. We finished our shopping by picking up some Twix minis, Starburst Jelly Beans, and Sour Skittles (my husbands pick). We came home and filled the Easter baskets, made a Jelly Bean trail with four Easter scriptures to read to stop them in their tracks before reaching their beloved baskets, and then we finally climbed in bed at 1 a.m. After a few Easter Egg Hunts and a load of treats, and one very late night, I was exhausted. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a Wal-mart truck driven by a scary Easter Bunny, filled with Easter candy. The day was ruined before it even started. I wish I had stopped there, but Easter dinner was still to come. As my sweet Grandma-in-law shared stories and games, my little 2 year old girl in my lap, all I could think about was the vase of chocolate candy towering on the coffee table, just waiting for me to raid it. It felt horrible to be so consumed with cravings when I was totally missing the moment. When I should have been relishing the facial expressions and movements of my little girl as she experienced the day, I was mentally detained by the wrestling match between impulse and control going on in my head. I missed it. I have come to the realization that I cannot find that balance. I have tried the one day a week model, just on birthdays and special holidays model, only when I can enjoy it with my kids model, a little bit every day model, all have failed miserably. I have been in counseling for too long with Sugar as the therapist and Me as the patient, but instead of leaving with new solutions and a fresh perspective, I only feel self-loathing and regret. So I am done. Sugar and I are getting a divorce (Definition: To dissolve a bond between). I will never miss Easter again. Stay tuned as I develop coping strategies!