Gumball Solace

      I love truth, you know that concept that has been replaced with Wikipedia, the modern day Nicene Creed version of everyone collectively decides what is acceptable or "true" and then go with it.  But I love the real stuff, those truths or laws that exist whether we believe them or not.  Take gravity for instance, we can profess, reason, and argue intelligently about specifics, but once we step off the platform.... we will fall.  Unfortunately truth is not as clearly defined in society as is the law of gravity. 

      I can remember the first time I fell in love with gumballs.  The multi-colored, hollow center, "can't have just one" kind.  We were at the checkout stand at the local grocery store.  I was ahead of my mom as she wrote the check when I saw them, the two kids at the gumball machine.  As I recall one of them had a tube sock filled with pennies and the other held that classic tin Band-Aid box.  The boy would put the penny in, turn the knob, and out came a colorful gumball.  The girl would open the little silver door and let the gumball roll into her hand and then carefully transfer it to the tin box.  Before long I could see that it was almost full.  It was easy to tell they were determined to fill it to the top.  Their efficiency improved with each penny that was slotted in the turn dial, so did their excitement.

      It was almost contagious, just watching them, I could feel my own excitement growing.  I kept my eyes on them as my mom and I walked out of the store.  Funny that I should remember something so seemingly insignificant, but it mattered to me.  Watching them rejoice in their gumball heaven was mesmerizing because it was so opposite of what I was experiencing at the time.  My dad had recently died, my mom left with 7 children to care for, and as the youngest, there wasn't a lot I could do to change that.  At that age you just watch, listen, and do whatever a 4-year-old does in emotionally confusing times, like seek for solace. 

I didn't realize it then, but sugar became a crutch in times of emotional distress.  Now this may not be "true".  It may not be true that sugar offers comfort in times of distress, it merely offers a mini vacation for taste buds and a moment to forget, but no healing for the heart.  So is it "true" that sugar offers solace?  I guess it depends on your goals.  Is the mini vacation enough? It was then. But not any more.  I have finally realized that I want the steady calm that comes from balancing my blood sugar along with everything else in life.  I want more than a vacation for my taste buds.  I want balance, soul-satisfying, solace-inviting, heart-healing balance.  Truth is, I just want more. 

Obituary for the -ose

I have been conducting funeral services for the last few weeks, donning the black robes and all. More anger and physical frustration than tears I must admit. I didn't invite anyone, it was just me and my sugar. The problem was it kept offering to revive or resurect itself if only I would change my mind and give in. It was like our family's one-day turtle we named Scooter. You put him in the sandbox and think he will stay there, but he found his way out ever so slowly after I was certain he would stay put. My internal scrapbook of memories that I have carefully crafted kept opening to pictures of me making brownies with my mom, or those after-school chocolate chip cookie soirees I loved as a youth. How could I deprive my children of similar memories? But as often happens with memories there is more to the story than the one captured frame. As I allowed those memories to lengthen out I remembered the tummy aches and lethargy that replaced my youthful energy and before long I was camped out on the family couch or window seat out for the count while my body tried to recover from the sugar overdose. Memories are powerful. So now every time I pass my favorite chocolate in the grocery store (I know I shouldn't go down the middle aisle anyway) or smell those cinnamon rolls baking in IKEA I force myself back in the black robes and will myself back to the funeral. Then I remember that funerals are supposed to be short, for good reason, they are miserable and painful and heart breaking. I don't have to pay my respect to sugar. Let's make this short and sweet and get on with life. But wait there's a problem, or should I say a whole gang of problems.

Sugar is a bit like the mafia, it has lots of friends in many places hidden between safe ingredients like added vitamins and minerals or whole wheat flour. Do you just sever the relationship with the most lethal members, or avoid them all? I'll let you in on some of my mental chatter: "Table sugar and High Fructose Corn Syrup are the most obvious culprits, maybe I could just mourn for them..... but what about cane juice, evaporated cane sugar, succanat, agave nectar, maple syrup, brown sugar, molasses, stevia, and then all those sugar alcohols......on and on and on". How can I possibly create a life for myself and family without these ingredients that have offered supposed comfort for so long? Don't you need some form of sugar for balance in life? Again, balance in life? That's the goal....

Alright, I am still in mourning, still sitting at the funeral but I may have company.

to be continued

I missed Easter

I love Easter, I really do. As a Christian and a Mormon, this is one my favorite holidays, so you can understand why I was so frustrated that I missed it. I personally and spiritually missed it. Now I don't mean that I wasn't here, that I didn't make the Saturday night shopping trip with my husband to fill the baskets of our children with adorable pastel colored treats. In fact, I spent at least 20 minutes just looking for the "right" candy, meaning the candy that I would most love, and I was sure they would love it too! I really felt like a diligent parent when the candy-coated cadbury chocolate eggs could not be found on the candy aisle so I found someone to help me solve the problem. My husband wasn't even surprised, annoyed yes, but not shocked that I would go to such lengths to find my favorite Easter candy. Finaly after at least 10 minutes, the person stocking the shelf, pulled a box from behind and I was sure I heard choirs of angels sing. I felt so proud to know that the other people on the candy aisle, two to be exact, also seemed to be happy that we had found the holy grail. We finished our shopping by picking up some Twix minis, Starburst Jelly Beans, and Sour Skittles (my husbands pick). We came home and filled the Easter baskets, made a Jelly Bean trail with four Easter scriptures to read to stop them in their tracks before reaching their beloved baskets, and then we finally climbed in bed at 1 a.m. After a few Easter Egg Hunts and a load of treats, and one very late night, I was exhausted. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a Wal-mart truck driven by a scary Easter Bunny, filled with Easter candy. The day was ruined before it even started. I wish I had stopped there, but Easter dinner was still to come. As my sweet Grandma-in-law shared stories and games, my little 2 year old girl in my lap, all I could think about was the vase of chocolate candy towering on the coffee table, just waiting for me to raid it. It felt horrible to be so consumed with cravings when I was totally missing the moment. When I should have been relishing the facial expressions and movements of my little girl as she experienced the day, I was mentally detained by the wrestling match between impulse and control going on in my head. I missed it. I have come to the realization that I cannot find that balance. I have tried the one day a week model, just on birthdays and special holidays model, only when I can enjoy it with my kids model, a little bit every day model, all have failed miserably. I have been in counseling for too long with Sugar as the therapist and Me as the patient, but instead of leaving with new solutions and a fresh perspective, I only feel self-loathing and regret. So I am done. Sugar and I are getting a divorce (Definition: To dissolve a bond between). I will never miss Easter again. Stay tuned as I develop coping strategies!